Potentially The Greatest Porno
by JohnathanC.SparkleBerry
Summary: EVER.  Mattie is sent on a mission to deliver scones to Papa. What will happen on the way Papa's house? Is the Big Bad Wolf, really that Bad? No, in fact, he's quite sexy. Title has nothing to do with the story. PruCan T For Pervy antics


_EVER_

**YO! The Laziest Author alive is... alive. So here is a story, VERY loosely based off a picture an awesome Canadian on the deviantARTs drew a long time ago. And her birthday has just passed recently, and to add on to the comic I drew for her, I HAVE WRITTEN A PRUCAN FILLED FANFIC! Yeah, the title has nothing to do with the story. ENJOY!**

**Oh, BTW, I own nothing, especially considering this is a FANfiction sight.**

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><p>Robin walked slowly as she approached the cemetery, looking around.<p>

"People die. It's hard to imagine for a kid like me. They die and we put them in the ground. Like flowers." She says. She looks ahead, spotting a doglike figure.

"Wolves are just big dogs! But werewolves are like people" She strolls to the wolf, and jumps on it's back. It begins running frantically, trying to get the girl off.

...

"ROBIN! WTF! Why would you jump on a wolf! When I was your age, I was scared of my own shadow!" Matthew shakes his mouse around, ranting at the computer screen.

"And he kills her… great. And now we're at granny's place…" Matthew glared at his computer screen, "Could you walk any slower- right, you were just killed by a wolf… Man this game's creepy…Robin, Robin, ROBIN! GRAVE!…. I'm glad I'm not a female growing up" Matthew flinches at a few of the scene shots, feeling a bit squeamish. As the screen turned back to the selection screen and Matthew was contemplating on who to play with next, someone entered his room

"Alfr-, err, Matthew-"

"GAAH! Arthur! Don't sneak up on me like that when I'm playing horror games!" Matthew says to the intruding parental figure.

"Horror games? Matthew, not even Alfred gets scared playing those, and he's a pussy" Arthur says, "Wait, is that The Path? I've been wanting to try that one out…"

"Uhh, when I'm done with the last two chicks, I'll let you borrow it, now what do you want?" Matthew says

"Huh? Oh, right. Francis is sick, so I made him some scones to help him feel better, so I can punch him in the balls without feeling bad" Arthur says holding up a basket

"Scones, I thought you wanted to help him feel better, not-" Arthur was not amused, "Amazingly awesome?"

"Well, this is my kind deed to an idiot for the year, so go take these to Francis for me" Arthur says

"What? Why me? Can't you make Alfred do it?" Matthew asks as the basket was shoved in his face. Matthew gagged.

"Alfred's grounded. He's not aloud to leave the house till he's thirty" Arthur says, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Skipped school?" Matthew asks

"Yes, god, if the git wanted to have a fun summer he should have studied more during the actual school year." Arthur rants, crossing his arms

"…How'd he get into World W in the first place?" Matthew asks

"The same way the Vargas Brothers got in" Arthur says

"… his grandparent's the principal?" Matthew stares at Arthur blankly.

"… Just go take those to Francis" Arthur says, leaving the room.

"Yeah yeah, whatever you say, Mother" Matthew sets the scones down, shuts his game down and grabs his favorite red hoodie.

...

"Fuck, it's hot out" Matthew says to himself

"Yeah, it's kind of the middle of summer and you're wearing a parka" someone says from behind

"Huh?" Matthew turns around to see a platinum haired man. He had a long sleeved black shirt under a grey faux fur vest type thing and headphones around his neck.

"Yeah I guess… do I know you?"

"Maybe, maybe not. We go to the same school" The man says

"Listen, I'm Matthew, not Alfred, whatever bone you have to pick with him-"

"Alfred's a dick, but I don't have a bone to pick with him. I remember you from the pancake feast" the man says, "The name's Gilbert The Great and Awesome, feel free to worship me" Matthew rolls his eyes.

"Yeah, whatever. What's with the fur? Aren't you hot?" Matthew asks

"Well-"

"Temperature wise, not narcissistically speaking" Matthew says before the other could speak.

"Eh, kind of. Vati had us living in Nevada for the longest time, so this is nothing" Gilbert says shrugging, "Where you off to Lil' Red?"

"Lil' Red?- I had that one coming, didn't I?" Matthew looks down at his hoodie, "I'm going to my Papa's place… He's sick so I have to deliver things that will likely kill him" Gilbert raises an eyebrow at the other

"Papa's a food snob, and he's dating… well… he's in a relationship… he's acquaintance with… he coexists… He's SOMETHING with an Englishman" Matthew says

"Really, my band mate's in a something with an Englishman. But, he doesn't have any kids, so I doubt it's the same person-" Gilbert shrugs. Matthew tries to say something, but was interrupted by J-Rock.

"This is AAA Peen!~ This. Is. A PEN! This is AAAAAAA peeeeeeen! THIS IS A PEN!" Gilbert grabs his phone out of his pocket and promptly answers.

"Honda? What's- huh? He what? But- What about! Yeah I can stop by- nah, it's on the way to BTT headquarters. No seriously, it's no problem. You're welcome… Honda, stop thanking me! Yeah, you're welcome, gotta go, I'm at the crossing thing. Ja, I'll be there in a bit, no problem, bye" Matthew watches as Gilbert talks

"Emergency?" Matthew asks as Gilbert re-pockets his phone

"My brother's in a heated debate with Honda's brother… and by debate, I mean, someone's gonna get hurt" Gilbert says, pressing the button on the crossing light pole thing, "which way you going?"

"Uh, I have to get over there" Matthew says pointing diagonally

"Cool, so I get to hang with Lil' Red a bit longer eh?" Gilbert say smirking

"Oh, I uh… Isn't Honda in The Newspaper Club?" Matthew says, blushing and changing the subject

"Yeah, you know him?" Gilbert asks

"No, not really, but he's on the student counsel with my brother, who I'm still trying to figure out how he passed kindergarten" Matthew mutters that second part, "so his name's dropped every so often… By the way, Honda's his last name isn't it?" Matthew asks. The crossing light signals them to go.

"Ja, but the only people who really call him by name are his close friends, family and… HER" Gilbert deadpans a bit

"Her?" Matthew asks, the two reach the other side of the street, and Matthew presses the button

"His girlfriend" Gilbert says, back to normal

"Girlfriend? You mean there's an actual chance for procreation at World W?" Matthew asks

"Yeah, you know Eli? The president of the Extreme Photography club? That would be the lucky lady" Gilbert says, checking the time, "I gotta go, how's about we meet up again and chat again sometime?"

"Uh, that's be great!" Matthew says

"Great! See you later Red!" Gilbert says, taking off

"Yeah, see you!" Matthew smiles to himself. He watches Gilbert take off noticing something on the back of his vest. A tail and ears, bouncing as he ran, "Okay, who decided for me to meet up with the big bad wolf while I deliver shit?" Matthew sighs and crosses the street.

"Maybe I should get him something he can actually stomach so he doesn't think I'm some sort of demon hell spawn for even suggesting he has to eat English food… I'm glad he feeds me when I actually have to eat" Matthew says after passing about five or six Starbucks.

...

Matthew strolled leisurely with a few coffees and the basket, thinking about random things.

"_Gilbert was cute… then again, I'm still kind of weary of wolves since finishing Robin's path… why do I call Francis Papa?… he tells everyone else to call him big brother…. Then again, he DOES tend to act parent…ey, to me… I can't believe there's a straight guy at our school… Or maybe he's just bi… probably bi, straight people just don't seem to exist at World W… They should have little maple packets like they have for ketchup, then I really COULD have maple on everything without bringing a bottle of maple everywhere!… I'm hungry" _Matthew spaces off for a bit, nearly passing Francis's home

"Shit" Matthew mutters, walking back to the walkway and going to the door. Matthew raises his hand to knock, but noticed music coming from inside.

"Hey Little Red riding hood, you sure are looking good, you're everything, a big bad wolf would want! Little Red Riding Hood, I don't think even big girls should, go walking in these spooky old woods alone~ What big eyes you have! The kind of eyes that drive wolves mad! So, just to see, that you don't get chased, I think I ought to walk with you for a way!"

He knocks quietly and wait's a few moments before knocking again, louder this time. After a minute or two, Matthew moved the contents of his left hand to his right and finding his keys. As quietly as possible, he unlocked the door and entered so he wouldn't interrupt what seemed to be band practice. Matthew walked in unnoticed and watched as they preformed for the empty couch and end table.

"_Gilbert? We really were going to the same guy who's in a something with an Englishman…" _Matthew thinks to himself, _"Let's see… Gil's the vocalist and on … I think that's a base guitar. Papa's on the drums, and… that Shotacon guy's on guitar.. He's Toni or something… I think…" _Matthew thinks as he watches the band play, _"Gilbert definitely has the outfit for the song"_

They finish the number and the Spanish man speaks up first

"Gilbert, why'd you wanna do that one?" he asks

"I've got the wolf vest on dude, it had to be done… also, I met the cutest Little Red today" Gilbert says, putting his base down. Francis coughs a bit and sets his drumsticks down.

"Ahem?" Francis looks over to Matthew and gets up to greet him

"Ah, Mon Ami! What are you doing here?" Francis asks. His band mates look over to where Francis had walked over to.

"Arthur wanted me to give you these to help you feel better… they'll most likely kill you though, so I got you some coffee from one of the eight Starbucks I passed… or was it nine?" Matthew says, giving Francis his coffee.

"Oh Mon Ami~ You're so sweet to you dear old Papa~ Gilbert! Antonio! This is Mathieu, my unofficial son. Mathieu, these are the other members of the Bad Touch Trio, Antonio, he likes little boys, and Gilbert, he has a minor brother complex" Francis introduces

"Well, well, well~ If it isn't Little Red Riding Hood" Gilbert says, smirking, and ignoring Francis's comment, "fancy meeting you here… So Francis is the granny?"

"I'm the what!" Francis fumes

"I'm the wolf, Matthew's the Hood, so you must be the Grandmother. No idea who the lumberjack is, and no one cares about the mom… well, I have the om noms, so I'm going to head to that mini mart down the street and get some food, want anything?" Gilbert begins to walk to the door backwards.

"Non" "I'm good"

"Can I get a Pepsi?" Antonio raises his hand

"Sure thing, well, I'm o-AHGH!" As Gilbert go to the door, it was shoved open by someone very loud, crushing the wolf in the process

"Francis you have to help me! Arthur's trying to feed me!"

"Alfred, aren't you grounded?" Francis asks, looking past the American to his now crushed friend

"Yeah, but does skipping summer school really deserve the punishment of eating Arthur's cooking!" Alfred asks, waving his arms around

"…So would this make Alfred the lumberjack?" Antonio asks, not really giving anything a serious thought.

"I think it would… but he's not really saving anyone… he's just hurting the wolf and fleeing mother's cooking" Matthew says

"Huh? First off, I'm the hero, second, You always get fed by Francis so you wouldn't know the tortures I've been through! The things I've seen!" Alfred says, grabbing his brother's hoodie and shaking the Canadian.

"Why, Alfred, what a short life expectancy you have" Alfred looks behind himself, watching as the door got slammed shut and an angry wolf approached

"A-all the better to… cherish life?" Alfred says, shaking a bit, "Jesus Christ! I've played this game! It does not end well!" Alfred clings to his brother

"h-hey! Are you playing my games without my permission again?" Matthew asks, trying to flee his brother

"I don't wanna be the lumberjack! He rapes and kills Carmen! He's a psycho! AND BALD!" Alfred says

"What! Carmen dies too? I was gonna play as her next!" Matthew says

"Come're!" Gilbert says, snatching the American's bomber jacket and pulls him off Matthew. Alfred tried to flee, but failed.

**AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER!**

"You didn't kill Alfred, right?" Matthew asks Gilbert as he reenters the house through the back door

"I don't think so" Gilbert shrugs

"Well, at least we found a use for those scones Arthur gave me" Francis says.

"Si, sometimes being sick does result in some good things" Antonio says

"Ja, oh by the way, can I ask you something?" Gilbert asks Francis

"Shoot" Francis commands

"Since you're papi or whatever, can I get you're blessing to ask out your child, and keep in mind, I'll ask him out regardless of what you say" Gilbert asks, smirking at Matthew, who hid behind Francis, blushing harshly

"Oui, but remember" Francis smiles at Gilbert before breaking into a completely serious death stare, "Hurt him and I'll castrate you"

"Papa!" Matthew hits him on the back. The trio laughs, and not long after, Matthew joins in the giggle fest.

**ELSEWHERE**

"Guys? I'm sorry! Can you let me go now? I didn't mean to attack you with a door, honest!" Alfred was tied up to a tree in Francis's back yard, with scones and other English pastries surrounding him, forming a cage.

"Guys? Someone? Help?"

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><p><strong>THIS IS CRACK IS I'VE EVER SEEN CRACK BEFORE... AND I HAVE. So a few notes about this fanfic. The game Mattie's playing is The Path, the song Gilbert has for Honda's ringtone is THIS IS A PEN by Ensoku [It's an Amazing song], the song the Bad touch Trio was playing is Lil' Red Riding Hood by someone, the one I've been listening to was by Bowling For Soup. Also, yes, I support Japan x Hungary, they're both adorable stalkers. No idea why I put them together here, but they just happened. PruPan's my OTP, and I don't like my Kiku baby cakes to be single. He's World W Academy's only chance for a second Generation to go to the wondrous Academy. <strong>

**Well, that's all I have to rant about. Well, I could rant about Borders going out of business, but I'll leave that for the deviantARTs.**

**REVIEW! PLEASE! Every time you review, an angel grows it's beard**

**or**

**Every time you review, a scone is removed from Alfred's cage. Unless you don't want a scone to be removed, then tell me okay, and I'll let Gilbert know ASAP.**


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